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Transition for End of Personal Relationship

My significant other has left me after 10 years, saying a counselor told him that he needed to be completely separate.

My Opinion:
It may not be true, as someone indicated here, that the counselor did tell him to be completely separate from you, because from what I know, a counselor would generally not make that recommendation for a couple who had been together for 10 years. So as I see it, either that is not what the counselor said, or your SO misinterpreted what the counselor actually said, or the counselor is not a good one, or maybe he did not see a counselor at all and that is just what he told you. But your SO has apparently chosen to take this action, so you now have to respond to what he has chosen to do.

If I was in your situation as you describe it, this is what I think I would do. First, I would take a day or part of a day, and just feel sorry for myself and do nothing. Then I would go out and find something to do just for myself, but relatively mindless, something like get a pedicure or something, but not a movie or anything that would require me to think, because I would not want to think. But I would want to pamper myself with something mindless.

I would not answer the telephone, but I would let my machine screen all my calls. I would not want to be required to talk to someone, like my parents or in-laws, that would cause me to be more upset. I would also, either now or after I sent the email see below, change the locks on my doors, so I could sleep at night without worrying that he would show up and surprise me while I was asleep and not expecting anything. Otherwise I would find myself either not sleeping at all, or waking up at every little noise.

Then I would wash his clothes and put them away, because for me it would signify some closure. I know it will be hard to do, but that is what I would do. I would probably curse at him while I was doing it too, just to get it all out of me. Then after a day or so, if I did not hear from my SO, I would begin to pack up the clothes in boxes, and the medications, and all his other things. For me, this would help with closure, and also make it so I did not have to see his stuff every day. I think I would also talk "to him" while I was doing it, because this helps me to figure out in my own mind just exactly what I am thinking and feeling, it helps me put words and labels on what I am feeling.

Then after I had "talked" to him, if I still had not heard from him, I would write him an email and tell him what I wanted him to know, including the fact that I had packed all his things and I am storing them in the garage or wherever, waiting for him to come get them or tell me what he wanted done with them. I would end it with something like "I am sorry you have chosen this option, and I am sorry we could not work out whatever the problems were, but you have not given me much choice but to go on with my life, so that is what I am doing". Then I would say goodbye. I would send the email and not expect a reply.

If he decides at some point to try again to be with you, if you have made a clean break you can hopefully objectively decide whether you want to take that action. But then you should feel more in control of your choice, and not feel that he has the control.

I generally do not like counselors or therapists or whatever, because in my experience they do not understand AS and do not have ideas which appear to be helpful to me, but you may not have that difficulty with counselors. If you know of one you trust, or can find one as a referral or something, then please try that. Or you can post here or send email to someone you trust.

I don't know if these would be things that you would want to do, or if they would help you at all, I am just giving you what I would do. I find that for me, closure and a new start is better than a mixture of the old and the new. But it always important to decide what is best for YOU, because what works for one person, especially an AS person like me, may not work for another person.

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